Category: Communication

I’m giving a talk in two weeks, and I was running some ideas by a new friend of mine who specializes in presentation preparation. He left me with this:

What happens if they don’t buy into what you’re saying?

Basically, the worst-case scenario.

It’s such a great question because my reaction to the unthinkable gives me the poise I need to overcome the uncertainty and Resistance. I’m not particularly fearful of an audience or embarrassing myself, but there’s a human part of all of us that desires acceptance, praise, and encouragement.

I enjoy making people laugh, so I’m often making small quips during the course of conversations. My “humor” is dry and sarcastic, and my delivery is rather deadpan — some people “get” me, and some don’t.

I usually stop at nothing maintain an upbeat demeanor and follow up with a barrage of jokes to redeem myself keep it moving if one happens to tank, so my reputation as an aspiring stand-up comedian mildly humorous often remains intact.

I think the goal is to determine what we want out of things, “pre-experience” what it would be like if the proverbial roof came crashing down on our efforts, and examine our reaction to make sure we’re doing things for the right reasons.

To be clear: if I walked off the stage in a huff and told the crowd that they were idiots, then my ego was probably too large for the venue in the first place. Additionally, this is an indicator that I wasn’t there primarily to give and share generously, but rather for self-serving motives.

We don’t all respond to motivational inputs in the same way.

A welcome kick in the pants to me might feel like harassment and cajoling to someone else, and while the former might be exactly what I need, the latter might strain your relationship with someone else.

You could read a Dale Carnegie book or study effective communication or watch documentaries on human interaction…or you could just care enough to say things with empathy, in a way that edifies the recipient.

During my final year at FSU, we were forced to work on group projects in order to receive a passing grade in certain classes.

It was terrible.

Being paired with students who were apathetic about their academics essentially meant that one or two individuals carried the weight of the entire team. Unfair at best.

Since that time, I’ve collaborated with dozens (if not hundreds) of small teams in completing projects professionally (in my former life as an IT Consultant) and in a freelance capacity (I’ve hired dozens of contractors for odd jobs).

These are the critical factors that appear to have contributed to the success of my projects over the years:

1. Progress updates — how’s it coming?
2. Ownership — what are you on the hook for?
3. Deadlines — by when can we expect your portion?
4. Accountability — what do you promise to contribute?
5. Transparency — are you having any issues that we should know about?

Given the nature of modern projects with team members often living in different locations and time zones, software often facilitates the collaboration where email falls short.

At Domino, we used Basecamp to coordinate and it worked great. Recently, I’ve been using Asana with my team and find it in some ways to be the best collaboration tool I’ve used (it’s focused!).

When two parties are talking (in the context of a business negotiation, a discussion between a couple, or what have you), a paradoxical relationship exists between the effort put into understanding the other party, and the likeliness that the one will be understood.

It’s a painful thing to witness. One person earnestly tries to clarify a point or issue as their frustration grows, and the other party responds in the same way, briefly addressing (or subtly undermining) the point made by the first person but doubling their efforts to clarify their point.

Frustration turns into anger, an impasse is reached, and the conversation goes nowhere.

I refer back to it often, but How to Win Friends and Influence People is probably the best text I’ve read on the topic of interpersonal communication and conflict resolution.

There’s an art to saying things without saying them, and no book has more positively impacted my ability to do so than this one. It’s counterintuitive to focus on what someone else is trying to say in order to be understood better, but it’s the only way to communicate effectively.

Am I understood? 🙂

Many of my projects now include a component where I walk through WordPress or a server setup with a client via Skype screen-share. Today was no exception, and I spent some time walking a new client through some configurations on the site I had just migrated for him. After it was complete, something he did caught me completely unprepared: he praised my work for several minutes.
(more…)